Thursday, August 26, 2010


DISCLAIMER #1: I won't give details or names on this incident, but don't worry - the other people are not family, coworkers, or common friends that you might hang out with.  And they're definitely not you.

I got angry at a couple of people last night, and rediscovered one of my biggest fears.  Me.  When I get upset, I huff and puff and my words emotionally stomp around the room.  As long as I'm talking about me or my problem, it's roid-rage Tom Bombadil.  That's where I was while with other people last night.

While fuming afterwards, I crossed the line into quiet anger, which focused on the other people.  My anger doesn't build on the bluster of upset, like an avalanche surging relentlessly.  This monster calmly, arrogantly uses words like Dexter's scalpel, slashing quickly but deeply and precisely for maximum pain.  He's cool, aloof, focused on harm, and never wavers.

He scares the crap out of me because he's good.  I can't remember letting the monster out of my head since middle school, back when my semantic blades did more to inspire bullies than to deter them.  He only plays inside my head, reveling in his plans.  Last night I wanted to give him free rein, and let whatever might happen, happen.  The idea still intrigues me, but the responsibility for his effects on anyone ... my mind revolts at even conceptualizing it.  I notice the anticipatory reveling stops when the assault is delivered - I/he avoid thinking about anything after that.

Dunno how to close this entry.  I don't know what to do with the monster, besides avoidance.  Just needed to express it - maybe this will help.

DISCLAIMER #2: This is a rare occurrence.  I frequently get quiet or upset without anything like this internal turmoil.  Just wanted to reassure you that this doesn't apply to our regular interactions.

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